Saturday, July 23, 2005

It is Saturday night. My mind is on my internal organs, my future. I am overwhelmed, nervous, scared. It's a good thing, not a bad thing, but it really gets the what if's flowing like mad. What if I've done things incorrectly? What if I should have traveled around the world by now? What if I should have more degrees, especially more advanced degrees by now? What if I regret? What if I wake up some day and discover that I've done it all wrong? Am I the only one who has these worries? I always think I am the only one. Always the only one, like there is something so special, so unique about me. I've never been the only one, so why would I be the only one this time? Perhaps it is egocentric to think I am the first and only one to think/worry about something.

I'll be a duck and just let the water roll off my feathers. Easy gliding. Simple.

And remembering to breathe has been especially challenging.

My worries are worse at night, and first thing in the morning.

Breathing now. Taking deep breaths into my belly, letting it roll up, filling my solar plexus, then my lungs, all the way up. Then all the way out. Then all the way down. It helps, but right now it helps only briefly.

This entry is heavy and sad and full of fear and worry. It's good to get it out, but uch. Tomorrow I will write something that feels different. A companion to this one.