Saturday, July 23, 2005

It is Saturday night. My mind is on my internal organs, my future. I am overwhelmed, nervous, scared. It's a good thing, not a bad thing, but it really gets the what if's flowing like mad. What if I've done things incorrectly? What if I should have traveled around the world by now? What if I should have more degrees, especially more advanced degrees by now? What if I regret? What if I wake up some day and discover that I've done it all wrong? Am I the only one who has these worries? I always think I am the only one. Always the only one, like there is something so special, so unique about me. I've never been the only one, so why would I be the only one this time? Perhaps it is egocentric to think I am the first and only one to think/worry about something.

I'll be a duck and just let the water roll off my feathers. Easy gliding. Simple.

And remembering to breathe has been especially challenging.

My worries are worse at night, and first thing in the morning.

Breathing now. Taking deep breaths into my belly, letting it roll up, filling my solar plexus, then my lungs, all the way up. Then all the way out. Then all the way down. It helps, but right now it helps only briefly.

This entry is heavy and sad and full of fear and worry. It's good to get it out, but uch. Tomorrow I will write something that feels different. A companion to this one.


At 8:41 PM, Blogger prayas said...

no you are surely not the only one. at the edge of my mind on any given day, you will find doubt. if i am feeling confident - poof - it vanishes. else, i succumb. manju is helpful to have around - she has a clear mind, clear as glass. she stamps out confusion and weakness with her left foot.

am i doing enough? what am i avoiding?

at my brother's marriage, a art-of-living guru had visited. he had one look at me and said - I was in a perpetual search. such that when I had something with me, I passed it be to go-searching again. He suggested I get on to art-of-living meditation and stick to it. I did not. why not? because rather than change drastically, i would like to accept myself as I am, see how that fits into the larger scheme of things. also i find it difficult to do things for reasons other than doing them, it doesn't last. i can't meditate to become something else. i can meditate for peace.


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