Thursday, June 30, 2005

My jaw is killing me. It feels like I've pushed my molars up into my jawbone. I don't realize I do this until it's too late, until I am in pain. Such a stupid day. I got a haircut. I hate it. It is so stupid to hate a haircut. I cried and cried and cried. I always cry when I get my haircut. It is ridiculous to eat my kishkes out because of a haircut. Hair grows. I try and try to put it into perspective, to no avail. I feel like having a broken heart. I feel like eating my kishkes. It feels good to cry and cry and cry.

This man in the Kenton neighborhood, as I was bending over my bicycle, my ass in the air, said I must not weight 100 pounds. He had no front teeth, he was probably missing at least 4 of his front teeth, on the top. I was staring at this blankness in his mouth. I hope he didn't notice. I rode away wondering how he lost his teeth. He was young. Maybe someone punched him. It's impolite to talk about a lady's weight, isn't it? I should have told him so.

I hope something is going on in the cosmos that is making me feel this way. Things feel slanted. My dad is so lonely. My mom called me crying. My sister broke her arm. I feel shattered. Like all I want in the world is for my mom to take care of me. To nurture. To be kind and loving. That's not how it works, it hasn't worked that way for such a long time. And I'm a grown up now. I shouldn't want that, need that. But I do.

1 Comments:

At 10:07 AM, Blogger prayas said...

I don't like to get my hair cut too. Always feels like I am getting my mind-my-ego cut. I feel stripped. And I do have a mane - a full beard and gawky hair.

It is impolite to ask a lady's height. Why, its impolite to ask a "gentleman's height" too. I feel all measured-up. Up and down.

hmmm... "I was staring at the blankness in his mouth. I hope he didn't notice."

Why are you feeling low, as if your hair hid things for you? Do you trust your barber?

What are kishkes?

Its been raining here for three days straight. I am singing loud out into the rain. Bawling would feel perfect. I would search for a reason.

 

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